New day, same old BS ...

If we deal with public sector bodies we often get ridiculous questionnaires to complete.  They seem to be written by people of low educational attainment who are trying to fill in time.  Today we have received a five page document from a Midlands' 'University' which they have asked us to complete.  Its subject is 'diversity' and 'equality'.Remember, we didn't approach them to sell them something - they asked us to supply a product worth less than £100.

Here's a section from page 4 of the document.  It would seem that the first ten lines are masquerading as a sentence, but if any of you can wrench meaning from it then let me know..

Do you observe, as far as is possible, the relevant authorities (such as the Equality and Human Rights Commission or its predecessors) Codes of Practice for Employment, or equivalent code of statutory guidance issued under equivalent legislation in another country, which gives practical guidance to employers and others on elimination of unlawful discrimination and the promotion of equality of opportunity in employment, including monitoring of workforce matters and steps that can be taken to encourage members of all parts of society to apply for jobs or take up training opportunities If yes, please supply evidence to support your answer.  Evidence may be examples or copies of documents such as your equality, diversity or equal opportunities in employment policy, documents containing instructions to staff, or outlining arrangements for advertisements, recruitment, selection, access to training, opportunities for promotion, copies of recruitment advertisements, extracts from staff handbooks, or other materials that demonstrate your organisations commitment to equality.

YES / NO / OPB IF YES, PLS  ATTACH DETAILS

An OPB by the way is a One Person Business.  Bit tricky on the diversity front there.

The truth is, I prefer homogeneity to diversity.  I like people to share my views on hard work and loyalty and honesty.  My staff wear uniforms.  We only use English to communicate.  We start work at the same time each day.  I insist on the same level of good manners throughout the factory.  I treat people equally.  Give me homogeneity any day!

Oh - and although we fill in these questionnaires I'm pretty sure they are never read.  One local council sent us a 12 page document on health and safety in my factory (as though it could possibly be anyone's business but my own) amongst which was a demand to see a copy of my 'broken glass policy' (sic).  I replied that I ground it all up and put in the staff sandwiches at lunchtime.  We still got the job.

Herbert looks for a new job

Well here’s a good example of life here….  About two months ago we were very busy indeed.  (My year end is July 31^st and we are about 30% up in turnover this year…).  I decide to employ another member of staff and sought someone who though not necessarily being familiar with materials and methods we use in our factory would nonetheless be familiar with some of the equipment and so abbreviate the learning time.

I interviewed five or six people having used an internet recruitment site.  One of them was a Latvian who was so keen and showed such a spirit of initiative that I hadn’t the heart to turn him down.  I was intending to recruit only one, but another fellow, an Englishman in his fifties, who had much experience and who had been unemployed for six months engaged my sympathy in his predicament and so I thought “Why not take two?”.  Let’s call him Herbert.

They both lived more than 200 miles away, so I found digs for them and they started.  Both knew about the machines but not the way in which we used them and so they were on a steep learning curve.  Herbert seemed very slow to learn and my manager John expressed doubt as to whether we should keep him.  I told him we should keep him for a while, that older guys were sometimes slower to learn but that he might be a reliable and useful member of the team in due course.

After seven weeks Herbert came to John and said that he had been head-hunted by an old friend who had offered him a fantastic job in a new start up operation.  He named the salary (about £5000 more than we were paying) and said that it was the chance of a lifetime given that he had been promised a directorship in due course.  Could he leave immediately, waiving his notice period, given that he had to commission a new machine in Denmark three days later.  I agreed – I’ve never ever wanted to stand in the way of anyone’s progress and certainly don’t want an employee who is anything less than happy working for me.  “You’ll give me a reference won’t you?” he said as he left.  “Of course”.  (Though I thought that odd given he had been ‘head-hunted’.)  It was the end of the month and he had been paid three days in advance, but he promised to refund that money and to return the clothing with which he had been provided.

That was a Friday.  On the Monday next (he had been going to start work on the Tuesday), the new employer rang up for a reference.  I said I was surprised given that he had been “head-hunted”.   

“He wasn’t head-hunted!” came the reply … “He applied for the job through an agency.”

“Oh, he told me that he had been head-hunted for a new start up operation with a friend.”

“I’ve never met him before!”

“He told me that he was in line for a directorship.”

“You must be joking!  This a family firm started by my parents!”

“Not a start-up operation?”

“No! Been going twenty years!”

“And not making alcohol related products?”

“No – we work in the food industry!  Can I ask you a question?  Were you using him as a consultant because you had problems which he was called in to solve?”

“No!  He was a trainee – and he answered a job advert on-line.”

“And were you paying him…..?” A sum £4500 more than he was actually being paid was mentioned.

Well Herbert didn’t get his new job.  And now he’s threatening to sue both me and the other firm.  For “breach of contract” as far as the other company is concerned and “defamation” as far as I am concerned.

If you’re wondering whether, a month later, we have been refunded the wages overpayment or had the clothing returned, then like me, you haven’t seen through Herbert for what he was.

The basics

I wanted to try to capture what it is like to run a small business in England at the present time. It's a manufacturing business, established more than 20 years ago.  It has something like 25 employees.  I've no idea how typical it is ... nor indeed what a 'typical' business is.  I do know that when I see businesses or business people on the television I recognise neither the people involved nor the way in which they behave.  I  watch neither 'Dragon's Den' nor 'The Apprentice'.  I wouldn't want to have dinner with many of the stars of these shows and indeed would cross the road if I saw most of them approaching.  So it's a bit discouraging to be asked frequently and eagerly what I think of them.

The key difference for me is that I don't like the way in which the people appearing on these shows treat their clients or would-be clients.  For me, business is about people - whether they are employees or suppliers or customers.  I like my business to be successful financially - as indeed it is, but I get most pleasure and I am more exercised by the social relationships involved.  These are by turn, fun, idiotic, ludicrous and maddening.

Given that fewer people work in manufacturing now than have worked there for 150 years or more and some friends have shown surprising interest in what goes on in my factory, I thought this blog might be an amusing and possibly more 'real' alternative to the rudeness and arrogance sometimes displayed in the TV representation of business.